17/16: Canadian Cowboys Take Division 1 Title

After months of back-and-forth divisional play, relegating themselves as a tier-3 team, the Canadian Cowboys have finally secured their once commonplace spot atop the EASHL. As the Division 1 champions, the Cowboys have renewed their faith in one another, and their faith in their abilities as individuals.

With four games remaining in their run for the title and a 4-0-2 record, the Canadian Cowboys were in need of 6 points in their remaining 4 games. "That means we can lose every game except one" said faulty mathematician Illuminati Confirmed (Burlington, ON). But in reality, the Cowboys could only afford 1 regulation loss, or 2 overtime losses. The other games had to be wins.

Game 1 brought with it challenging times, but the Cowboys are no stranger to such drama. "Always with the bus troubles..." said Bean Squeeze, star left-winger and this May's Cowboy Player of the Month. This left Illuminati Confirmed alone up-front with trusty RD Jacques Bonjour (Montreal, QC) manning the point. The boys would go up 1-0 early in the 2nd period but unfortunately the opposition came to quickly tie it up and defeat the duo in overtime, turning their cushion of 1 regulation loss in their final 3 game stretch into an option no longer.

Game 2 saw the replacement of the rookie players with Bean Squeeze and up-and-coming RW I Choose You Squirtle (Hamilton, ON). Another tight matchup between the Cowboys and their opponents. Tied at 2-2, the Cowboys found themselves in overtime once again.

"It was nice to have Squeeze to my left instead of these other scrubs. Seriously Bigcock can't be putting out rookies at a time like this. I can score goals but I'm not a monster. I'm going to shun him for a while and see how he likes that." commented Illuminati Confirmed on their near overtime loss.

Referee Don Stripes calling one of many penalties.

But a loss would not come to be as Squeeze would find the back of the net with his signature short-side goal moments into the overtime period. "Open net, Open Bar, Open Dar." he was seen mouthing to the coach.

With 2 games remaining, the Cowboys impressive record stood tall at 5-0-3; but the road to the final promised to be bumpy, demanding the Cowboys earn 3 of the available 4 points.

Game 3: an uphill battle no doubt, but with expertly laced passes between the forwards and a clutch goal late in the game by New Guy Squirtle, the boys secured an important win heading into the final game of their Division 1 title run with a boisterous record reading 6-0-3.

"It's just a matter of getting the boys all together, firing on all cylinders" said Fake-Bates, dawning the iconic John Bates 24 but wearing his name "Andrews" in mockery above the double dozen. "We got out there and played like a bunch of goats. We spun the wheel, and round and round it went - luckily we got out of the well of goats pretty easily and were able to spin the wheel. It landed on a win for us and that's all that matters."

The 4th and final game was an emotional roller coaster for fans and players alike. The Cowboys went up 2-0 early in the game. Feeling confident, Jacques Bonjour called for a loose puck from the goalie who happily obliged. Unfortunately the pass ended up on the stick of the opposing center and immediately found it's way to the back of the net.

"Je ne sais pas. I just...I never make the call for the pass but the one time I do this. Tabernacle."

Unfortunately, this wasn't the end of the stress for the Cowboys or their stable boys and girls. Moments later in the dying seconds of the 2nd period, the team standing in their way of Division 1 Title glory buried their first true goal of the game. 2-2 heading into the 3rd.

"We just have to keep it tied. That's all we need. Just keep it tied and take it to overtime. We've got the title then. C'mon boys. You don't want to bring this run to an end because of a bunch of goats, do you? I like goats as much as the next guy but come on." urged Bean Squeeze during the 2nd intermission.

Bonjour celebrates a fluke GWG with his team. The bench goes wild.

Those words would come to stir the Cowboys Cauldron and inspire their ultimate victory. With only 2 minutes left in the third period of a 10 game Division 1 title stretch, Jacques Bonjour cleared the puck out of their zone in an attempt to kill time and force overtime. In a shocking turn of events, the puck was on net, causing a rebound to deflect off of the opposing defender's stick and through the legs of their goaltender for what would be the game winning goal.

"I was so happy, I screamed "I SWALLOWED!" said Illuminati Confirmed. "I don't know why that was the thing in my mind but it was. Either way. Viva the Cowboys."

And with that, the Canadian Cowboys would resecure their place atop the EASHL as the Division 1 champions with a 7-0-3 record, undefeated in regulation time, giving them a shot at the Division 1 Cup during the playoffs this season. Best of luck to our boys. This is who we are.

Near Miss Continues Cowboys 7 game Point Streak

The Canadian Cowboys, with all of their rejuvenated fandom, returned to the ice last night to continue re-building the legacy that once was. With all of the recent media attention, the pressure has been mounting with each win.

The Cowboys won all five of their May 10th games and last night would be only slightly different. Chunkai Bumbai (Burlington, ON) and Jacques Bonjour (Montreal, QC) laced up together with three of the rookie Cowboys (John Bates, Polack Olecksy, and Jermaine Andrews) to give them a sip from the chalice of true Canadian Cowboy pressure. With five straight wins on the board, the bus pulled up to the Saddledome and the players took to the ice.

Their opponents put a lot of pressure on them early on, but with Jacques Bonjour's patience and the offensive backchecking of Bumbai, the Cowboys were able to keep the score knotted at 0 for the majority of the first 40.

Their opponents would strike first on a play that left Olecksy on his back - Al Dangler (Regina, SK) pulled the puck expertly around the rookie defenseman, giving himself a 1-on-1 with the Cowboys goaltender who was unable to make the save, relinquishing the tie game.

Down 1-0, the Cowboys put on the pressure for the remainder of the game, but had a lot of trouble finishing.

"I don't know what they want from us out there" proclaimed Bumbai through desperate gasps for breath between periods. "We're makin' all the right plays but we just can't finish. Third period hockey is where we thrive, though. We just have to get the puck on the net and make it happen."

And make it happen they did. With 0:23 remaining in the third, Bonjour fired a slapshot low on net, forcing the opponent's goaltender to let out a rebound which Bumbai wasted no time in burying through the legs of the opposing net minder, knotting the game at 1.

Bumbai gets the puck deep to set up Bonjour at the point.

Unfortunately, despite 47 SOG by the Cowboy offense and 9 blocked shots by Jacques Bonjour, the Cowboys would fall 2-1 in triple overtime.

Returning to the ice for game 2 of the evening were veterans Bean Squeeze and Illuminati Confirmed, who immediately lifted the spirits of their teammates and expertly executed a win with their boys.

"I just...I felt shunned out there" said Andrews after being benched. "I couldn't even hear them talking. It was like I was alone."

Despite the emotional turmoil caused by the veterans' return, the Canadian Cowboys are quickly finding themselves contenders for the Division 1 title. With a current record of 3-0-1, the Cowboys must earn 9 points of the available 12 to secure the title and reclaim their position atop the EASHL.

Five Straight - Cowboys Cross Pivotal Threshold Entering Division 1

Last night was one that rejuvenated Canadian Cowboy love in a way that we've not seen since the days of Michael the Magic and the ensuing crowd of topless female fans that came with him. The Saddledome has been slowly draining financially, and has had trouble filling the seats.

"I don't know man. The passion just...the players don't seem to get any better. It's like they're not...progressing; not.....leveling up in any way and it's just less interesting hockey!" said one 'fan.'

But less interesting hockey may be a thing of the past for the Canadian Cowboys. Finding themselves seven games into a ten game season and needing to cap all three to advance to Division 1, it was time for the 'Boys to dig deep. And dig deep they did. A great majority of the classic roster appeared, including Illuminati Confirmed (Burlington, ON), Bean Squeeze (Burlington, ON), Benyan the Kenyan (Burlington, ON) and Jacques Bonjour (Montreal, QC).

The Cowboys were able to rally together and win all three games to secure a spot in Division 1 for the next ten games. Coming into Division 1, the boys had a next-level hockey experience with their first opponents, "F U SeaWorld."

"It just seemed like a whole other level of hockey, but we were more ready than a bag of burgers" said LW Squeeze.

Seaworld went up 1-0 late in the 2nd period midway through a tight defensive match. Feeling like whales caught in a SeaWorld tank, the boys had to pull it together. After a brilliant game-tying goal by Chevrolet's Player of the Game Bean Squeeze, the dying minutes of the third were anything but.

With seconds remaining, Benyan the Kenyan strung a pass through the crease to Illumanti Confirmed, who confirmed receipt of the pass with a yell. "MINE!" he called out loud enough for the $5 seats to hear.

"It was....surreal. There are no words. Well, except 'surreal.' I guess that describes it pretty well" recalled one fan of the Confirmed yelp.

And with that battle cry, Illuminati Confirmed buried a sure thing to take the Cowboys into the second Division 1 game with a 1-0-0 record.

But it was this game, the second of the Division 1 season, that Canadian Cowboys fans would remember forever. With an incredible performance by each player, the Cowboys were able to defeat their second Division 1 opponents 11-0, with three of those goals coming in the final two minutes of what could only be called "Irregulation" play.

"It...I just.....I can't do it anymore" said one player on the opposing team after their soul crushing defeat. "Eleven goals? Why didn't we just quit. We SHOULD HAVE QUIT, GOD DAMN IT."

With this win in the bag, and a five game winning streak immediately behind them, the Canadian Cowboys elite will take to the ice once again this evening to continue their domination of Division 1, aiming to secure the title and re-brand  themselves as the greatest in the league once again. The boys are back in town.

In other news, three confirmed suicides immediately following the 11-0 win by the Canadian Cowboys. Goaltender Swiss Cheese (Switzerland) was fo
und hanging in the dressing room shower with a note that simply said "I'm sorry." Left Winger Zero Goals (Nigeria, Africa) was found on the floor surrounded by pills in the middle of the dressing room floor. Police say the pills spelled "not today" around his lifeless corpse. The third victim, identity unconfirmed, seems to have been a fan of the losing team. John Doe was found suffocated in a pile of his favourite team's jerseys in his Seattle, Washington home. Police have yet to identify the body but urge residents to come forward with any information they may have.

Bonjour, Bonjour!

With the 2015/2016 season well underway, the Canadian Cowboys have been experiencing great success both on and off the ice. Their performance has been nothing short of incredible, firing on all cylinders.

Andrew Hendrix was able to connect with Cowboy's captain Michael the Magic and ask what has made them so uniquely powerful this season over others.

"I think it's mostly the fact that the boys were off the ice for so long. The eagerness to get back out there isn't quite what I had hoped for, but when we get out there, the enthusiasm is just as high as ever. And I think that's what makes the Cowboys special. Like a friend who you don't talk to for many years and then reconnect with - the magic never fades. I think I saw that on a sign in the audience once - "Magic Never Fades." Whoever you are, thanks for the sign! I hope that we can get a few of the core guys back out there soon. You know, Jacques has been missing since the beginning of the season. Nobody knows where he's been. It's like --


BONJOOOOOOUUUR!!!!

And just like that, with a Kool-Aid Man-esque appearance, Jacques Bonjour crashed his car into the studio and rolled out of the driver side of his now mangled Passat.

"I have been away. I have been away for some time now. And for this, I am sorry. But I have been learning good English at skewwwl and I can't wait to lace up for tonight's game. Viva les Cowboys."


Puck drops tonight at 8:00pm with Jacques Bonjour returning to the defensive helm and bringing with him all of the fervor of pre-season action.




In other related news, Jacques Bonjour spent an hour in custody pending his bail hearing for the following Criminal Code charges:

s. 253(1) Impaired Driving
s. 253(2) Over 80
s. 219 Criminal Negligence
s. 430 (1) Mischief Over $5000

Thankfully for the sake of his future with the Cowboys, bail was set at $100,000 and the only condition by which Mr. Bonjour must abide is to abstain from the consumption of alcohol. Mr. Bonjour will also be unable to drive any motor vehicle in Canada pending the result of his court proceedings.

"This was a very irresponsible decision of Mr. Bonjour" commented his lawyer. "I don't think you're going to be seeing much of him in the next few months. I have advised that he participate in substance abuse counseling, as well as avoid the media as much as possible. He will, however, be playing in the regular season for the Canadian Cowboys. I'm a big fan, myself."

New Logo Sparks COLTreversy with Cowboy Fans

In a strange turn of events, it seems the the Canadian Cowboys we have come to love and know are discussing a logo change. In a press-conference moments ago, Mike Bigcock, new head coach of a seemingly new Cowboy team, had this to say:

"It's not as serious as everyone thinks. And nothing is set in stone quite yet. Yes, the iconic Cowboy logo is something that fans and players alike will cherish. And yes, there are so many positive memories associated with the Cowboys of yesterday. But this is 2016. And 2016 marks a new year, and a new post-lockout Cowboys. I think the old logo died with the lockout. This new logo marks a revival of the Cowboy spirit - the drive, the passion, and the connection that defines this team, and furthermore this game. Think of this as a jersey retiring. When Bobby Orr retired, so did his iconic #4. When Wayne Gretzky retired, nobody else dared wear the double-nine as dawned by the legend himself. And like all legends, the Cowboy logo will hang high in the rafters, and even higher in the hearts of our dedicated fans, as we move forward as an organization."

Perhaps we can all come to cherish the new Cowboy logo, which seems to creatively use a horseshoe to denote the "C" in Cowboys.

Pre-season games start TONIGHT in the Saddledome. While not all of the Cowboys are available for pre-season action due to illness, the Cowboys will hit the ice strong with a few of their legends, undoubtedly accompanied by other crowd favourites.

John Bates: Where Did He Come From? Where Will He Go? The Legend of the Pre-Season Cowboys

John Bates (Illuminati, USA): where did he come from? The Canadian Cowboys were short a key offensive presence for the final evening of pre-season action. Like many times in the past, the Cowboys turned to their Rent-A-Forward affiliate (sponsored by Mio Squirt). Situations have come and gone where such Rent-A-Forwards have been shining stars for the Cowboys, but none have been quite as bright as John Bates.

But where will he go? This Rent-A-Forward turned Rent-A-Legend had his time to shine on the Canadian Cowboys - and shine he did. With 4 points in 2 games, Bates had the honor of bringing down the curtain on the 2015/16 Canadian Cowboys pre-season.

However, in all of Bates' glory, some of the Cowboys noticed some peculiar coincidences...

Coincidence #1: His number...

John Bates sports the number 24. This is the 24th time the Canadian Cowboys have used a Rent-A-Forward since their debut season in 2010.

Coincidence #2: His name...

The Canadian Cowboys have been Beta testing several new plays. These new plays were only successful when they involved John Bates: Master of Beta. Master Bates.

Coincidence #3: His departure...

Just as quickly as John Bates became a famed member of the Canadian Cowboys, he made the decision not to return. When asked about his sudden departure on a 4-0 record, Bates declined to speak.

Cowboy Dusty Skater had this to say on the presence and sudden disappearance of Master Bates:

"He's out of his mind. He's such a weird guy. He didn't say much. Hell of a player though. BATES. BAAAATES we kept cheering. Our last game was a triple overtime, and he assisted my game winning goal. His performance was stellar. And when we called him back to play with us again - maybe on a permanent basis, even - well, he didn't even answer the call. We never heard from him again. I don't know. To me, this confirms the illuminati. The coincidences are just too much. Illumaniti: confirmed."

CCTV hoped to interview Bates after his last game with the Cowboys, but as Hendrix approached him to conduct his post-game interview, John Bates disappeared.

Pre-Season Battle Rages On; Tragedy Strikes the Saddledome

While the Canadian Cowboys have been experiencing incredible success in their pre-season forays, the Saddledome has been hit with an unexpected tragedy.

On opening night, a belligerent Cowboy fan took his excitement for the return of his boys too far and opened fire in the stands of the Saddledome. "He just kept firing. It looked like he had an AK-47 or something. Shot after shot after shot - fans were dropping like flies" said one spectator, inappropriately using a common euphemism.

A horrifying twenty-one fans died on opening night as a result of the unnamed gunman's actions. The reasons for the shooting are yet to be uncovered, as the shooter turned the gun on himself and took his own life as security approached.

"I think he was mad that the opponents took the lead...he screamed when they scored. He screamed so loud - I've never heard a man scream like that before. You could hear him over every other fan. And before I knew what was happening, he had a gun" remarked one fan.

Like most killers, this fan had a copy cat. Days later, a second fan opened fire. Fortunately, the shooter was not armed like the first and carried only a small pistol. However, the single shot fired ricochetted off the post and hit Cowboy coach Mike Bigcock in the trachia. While Bigcock survived the shot, his life and the life of the Canadian Cowboys was forever changed with that single shot. Bigcock's injuries have been fixed, however as a result, his vocal chords no longer function and had to be replaced with a Speakeasy 4000. He had this to say in a courageously immediate interview with CCTV:


"Y-ou kn-ow, it's act-u-ally not tha-at ba-ad. The sta-af here at the hospita-al have bee-en v-ery helpful. They are ta-aking me-e to skouul to learn ho-ow to use my ne-ew vo-oice. I thi-ink I ca-an st-i-ill le-ead the boys to victo-ory in this condi-ti-on. And like the gre-eat Martin Lu-uther King said,  'I ha-ave a dre-am. I a-am happy to jo-oin you to-oday in wha-at will go-o down in histo-ory as the gre-ates-t demonstra-ation of free-edom in the histor-ry of our na-ation. This mo-omentous decree caa-me as a great beacon li-ight of hope to millions of Negro slaa-ves who had been se-ea-ared in the flames of withering inj-uustice. It came as a joyous da-ay-ybreak to end the long night of their captivit-ty.'  And no-ow tha-at I a-am un-able to use my vo-oice, I idetify with the Ne-egro slaves of yester-year - a sla-ave to my own in-abilit-ty to spe-eak. Go Cowboys."

A valiant display of courage and strength by the coach of the Canadian Cowboys. Preseason action comes to a close Wednesday night, at which time all pre-season stats and updates will be released.

Pre-Season Tickets on Sale NOW! Cowboys Back in Action July 30th, 2015

Finally, the year-long hiatus from the blessing of Canadian Cowboy action has come to a close. The Cowboys will be taking to the ice tomorrow night (July 30, 2015) to begin their pre-season action. This will be the first time that the iconic Cowboy logo will be donned on the chests of Slippery Mitts, Jacques Bonjour, Michael the Magic, Slippery Soup, Bean Squeeze and the rest of the fan favorite Cowboys.

With a new season, as always, comes new rules - and this year is no different with the re-introduction of the EASHL. New player styles will accommodate less experienced players in the EASHL unlike years passed. In the previous Rules and Regulations prepared for the league, players were able to take performance enhancing drugs to increase their competitive edge over opponents. "Guys were skating out there with 99 speed. They'd never even get tired. The Cowboys are a great group but sometimes it's really hard to keep up with that when you're trying to play an honest game of puck" commented new head coach Mike Bigcock. This year, performance enhancing drugs are exclusively prohibited, relegating players to certain classes of performance.

"Jacques and I were talking about it. I think our pairing this year is going to be really intimidating. He's over there poking like a chutney train as an offensive defenseman, and I'm going to play the left like a Grandma's Boy, laying on the big hits as the defensive guy" said legendary LD Bean Squeeze (Burlington, ON). The Cowboys offense is also looking more intimidating than ever before. With a stunning combination of playmakers and snipers alike, two-way expert Michael the Magic will have his work cut out for him on the front end. "I'm just excited to get out there. Viva les Cowboys!"

Pre-Season action begins tomorrow night. Puck drop 7pm EST. The boys are back in town.

The Real Canadian Cowboys: A History

As anticipation mounts for the upcoming Canadian Cowboys 2015/16 season and the return of the EASHL, reporter Andrew Hendrix has put together a compilation of some of the earliest Canadian Cowboy footage. Stretching back to the early 1990's, Hendrix was able to get his hands on some exclusive clips, unavailable to many to date.

"I just thought it would be really cool to see what the Cowboys have been up to over the years and how they have advanced as players. Furthermore I think it's really interesting to note some of the broadcasting differences. From camera angles to announcement style, a lot has changed in the EASHL over the years and the Cowboys have been there since the beginning."

This is who we were. This is who we are.

NHL 16: New Features Announced! (Advertisement brought to you by EA Sports)

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NHL '16: Play it, or don't!


***Unfortunately due to the increased RAM demand that net physics creates, NHL '16 has experienced a dramatic decrease in graphic quality. But we here at EA Sports know that graphic quality is something you, the fans, care less and less about each year. We are a franchise dedicated to high quality gameplay, even if that means at the expense of graphics, money, and/or gameplay. Link to all new NHL '16 graphics image below:

http://img.gamefaqs.net/screens/8/a/f/gfs_34460_2_2.jpg