Monday, August 3, 2015

Pre-Season Battle Rages On; Tragedy Strikes the Saddledome

While the Canadian Cowboys have been experiencing incredible success in their pre-season forays, the Saddledome has been hit with an unexpected tragedy.

On opening night, a belligerent Cowboy fan took his excitement for the return of his boys too far and opened fire in the stands of the Saddledome. "He just kept firing. It looked like he had an AK-47 or something. Shot after shot after shot - fans were dropping like flies" said one spectator, inappropriately using a common euphemism.

A horrifying twenty-one fans died on opening night as a result of the unnamed gunman's actions. The reasons for the shooting are yet to be uncovered, as the shooter turned the gun on himself and took his own life as security approached.

"I think he was mad that the opponents took the lead...he screamed when they scored. He screamed so loud - I've never heard a man scream like that before. You could hear him over every other fan. And before I knew what was happening, he had a gun" remarked one fan.

Like most killers, this fan had a copy cat. Days later, a second fan opened fire. Fortunately, the shooter was not armed like the first and carried only a small pistol. However, the single shot fired ricochetted off the post and hit Cowboy coach Mike Bigcock in the trachia. While Bigcock survived the shot, his life and the life of the Canadian Cowboys was forever changed with that single shot. Bigcock's injuries have been fixed, however as a result, his vocal chords no longer function and had to be replaced with a Speakeasy 4000. He had this to say in a courageously immediate interview with CCTV:


"Y-ou kn-ow, it's act-u-ally not tha-at ba-ad. The sta-af here at the hospita-al have bee-en v-ery helpful. They are ta-aking me-e to skouul to learn ho-ow to use my ne-ew vo-oice. I thi-ink I ca-an st-i-ill le-ead the boys to victo-ory in this condi-ti-on. And like the gre-eat Martin Lu-uther King said,  'I ha-ave a dre-am. I a-am happy to jo-oin you to-oday in wha-at will go-o down in histo-ory as the gre-ates-t demonstra-ation of free-edom in the histor-ry of our na-ation. This mo-omentous decree caa-me as a great beacon li-ight of hope to millions of Negro slaa-ves who had been se-ea-ared in the flames of withering inj-uustice. It came as a joyous da-ay-ybreak to end the long night of their captivit-ty.'  And no-ow tha-at I a-am un-able to use my vo-oice, I idetify with the Ne-egro slaves of yester-year - a sla-ave to my own in-abilit-ty to spe-eak. Go Cowboys."

A valiant display of courage and strength by the coach of the Canadian Cowboys. Preseason action comes to a close Wednesday night, at which time all pre-season stats and updates will be released.

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