Five Straight - Cowboys Cross Pivotal Threshold Entering Division 1

Last night was one that rejuvenated Canadian Cowboy love in a way that we've not seen since the days of Michael the Magic and the ensuing crowd of topless female fans that came with him. The Saddledome has been slowly draining financially, and has had trouble filling the seats.

"I don't know man. The passion just...the players don't seem to get any better. It's like they're not...progressing; not.....leveling up in any way and it's just less interesting hockey!" said one 'fan.'

But less interesting hockey may be a thing of the past for the Canadian Cowboys. Finding themselves seven games into a ten game season and needing to cap all three to advance to Division 1, it was time for the 'Boys to dig deep. And dig deep they did. A great majority of the classic roster appeared, including Illuminati Confirmed (Burlington, ON), Bean Squeeze (Burlington, ON), Benyan the Kenyan (Burlington, ON) and Jacques Bonjour (Montreal, QC).

The Cowboys were able to rally together and win all three games to secure a spot in Division 1 for the next ten games. Coming into Division 1, the boys had a next-level hockey experience with their first opponents, "F U SeaWorld."

"It just seemed like a whole other level of hockey, but we were more ready than a bag of burgers" said LW Squeeze.

Seaworld went up 1-0 late in the 2nd period midway through a tight defensive match. Feeling like whales caught in a SeaWorld tank, the boys had to pull it together. After a brilliant game-tying goal by Chevrolet's Player of the Game Bean Squeeze, the dying minutes of the third were anything but.

With seconds remaining, Benyan the Kenyan strung a pass through the crease to Illumanti Confirmed, who confirmed receipt of the pass with a yell. "MINE!" he called out loud enough for the $5 seats to hear.

"It was....surreal. There are no words. Well, except 'surreal.' I guess that describes it pretty well" recalled one fan of the Confirmed yelp.

And with that battle cry, Illuminati Confirmed buried a sure thing to take the Cowboys into the second Division 1 game with a 1-0-0 record.

But it was this game, the second of the Division 1 season, that Canadian Cowboys fans would remember forever. With an incredible performance by each player, the Cowboys were able to defeat their second Division 1 opponents 11-0, with three of those goals coming in the final two minutes of what could only be called "Irregulation" play.

"It...I just.....I can't do it anymore" said one player on the opposing team after their soul crushing defeat. "Eleven goals? Why didn't we just quit. We SHOULD HAVE QUIT, GOD DAMN IT."

With this win in the bag, and a five game winning streak immediately behind them, the Canadian Cowboys elite will take to the ice once again this evening to continue their domination of Division 1, aiming to secure the title and re-brand  themselves as the greatest in the league once again. The boys are back in town.

In other news, three confirmed suicides immediately following the 11-0 win by the Canadian Cowboys. Goaltender Swiss Cheese (Switzerland) was fo
und hanging in the dressing room shower with a note that simply said "I'm sorry." Left Winger Zero Goals (Nigeria, Africa) was found on the floor surrounded by pills in the middle of the dressing room floor. Police say the pills spelled "not today" around his lifeless corpse. The third victim, identity unconfirmed, seems to have been a fan of the losing team. John Doe was found suffocated in a pile of his favourite team's jerseys in his Seattle, Washington home. Police have yet to identify the body but urge residents to come forward with any information they may have.