John Bates: Where Did He Come From? Where Will He Go? The Legend of the Pre-Season Cowboys

John Bates (Illuminati, USA): where did he come from? The Canadian Cowboys were short a key offensive presence for the final evening of pre-season action. Like many times in the past, the Cowboys turned to their Rent-A-Forward affiliate (sponsored by Mio Squirt). Situations have come and gone where such Rent-A-Forwards have been shining stars for the Cowboys, but none have been quite as bright as John Bates.

But where will he go? This Rent-A-Forward turned Rent-A-Legend had his time to shine on the Canadian Cowboys - and shine he did. With 4 points in 2 games, Bates had the honor of bringing down the curtain on the 2015/16 Canadian Cowboys pre-season.

However, in all of Bates' glory, some of the Cowboys noticed some peculiar coincidences...

Coincidence #1: His number...

John Bates sports the number 24. This is the 24th time the Canadian Cowboys have used a Rent-A-Forward since their debut season in 2010.

Coincidence #2: His name...

The Canadian Cowboys have been Beta testing several new plays. These new plays were only successful when they involved John Bates: Master of Beta. Master Bates.

Coincidence #3: His departure...

Just as quickly as John Bates became a famed member of the Canadian Cowboys, he made the decision not to return. When asked about his sudden departure on a 4-0 record, Bates declined to speak.

Cowboy Dusty Skater had this to say on the presence and sudden disappearance of Master Bates:

"He's out of his mind. He's such a weird guy. He didn't say much. Hell of a player though. BATES. BAAAATES we kept cheering. Our last game was a triple overtime, and he assisted my game winning goal. His performance was stellar. And when we called him back to play with us again - maybe on a permanent basis, even - well, he didn't even answer the call. We never heard from him again. I don't know. To me, this confirms the illuminati. The coincidences are just too much. Illumaniti: confirmed."

CCTV hoped to interview Bates after his last game with the Cowboys, but as Hendrix approached him to conduct his post-game interview, John Bates disappeared.

Pre-Season Battle Rages On; Tragedy Strikes the Saddledome

While the Canadian Cowboys have been experiencing incredible success in their pre-season forays, the Saddledome has been hit with an unexpected tragedy.

On opening night, a belligerent Cowboy fan took his excitement for the return of his boys too far and opened fire in the stands of the Saddledome. "He just kept firing. It looked like he had an AK-47 or something. Shot after shot after shot - fans were dropping like flies" said one spectator, inappropriately using a common euphemism.

A horrifying twenty-one fans died on opening night as a result of the unnamed gunman's actions. The reasons for the shooting are yet to be uncovered, as the shooter turned the gun on himself and took his own life as security approached.

"I think he was mad that the opponents took the lead...he screamed when they scored. He screamed so loud - I've never heard a man scream like that before. You could hear him over every other fan. And before I knew what was happening, he had a gun" remarked one fan.

Like most killers, this fan had a copy cat. Days later, a second fan opened fire. Fortunately, the shooter was not armed like the first and carried only a small pistol. However, the single shot fired ricochetted off the post and hit Cowboy coach Mike Bigcock in the trachia. While Bigcock survived the shot, his life and the life of the Canadian Cowboys was forever changed with that single shot. Bigcock's injuries have been fixed, however as a result, his vocal chords no longer function and had to be replaced with a Speakeasy 4000. He had this to say in a courageously immediate interview with CCTV:


"Y-ou kn-ow, it's act-u-ally not tha-at ba-ad. The sta-af here at the hospita-al have bee-en v-ery helpful. They are ta-aking me-e to skouul to learn ho-ow to use my ne-ew vo-oice. I thi-ink I ca-an st-i-ill le-ead the boys to victo-ory in this condi-ti-on. And like the gre-eat Martin Lu-uther King said,  'I ha-ave a dre-am. I a-am happy to jo-oin you to-oday in wha-at will go-o down in histo-ory as the gre-ates-t demonstra-ation of free-edom in the histor-ry of our na-ation. This mo-omentous decree caa-me as a great beacon li-ight of hope to millions of Negro slaa-ves who had been se-ea-ared in the flames of withering inj-uustice. It came as a joyous da-ay-ybreak to end the long night of their captivit-ty.'  And no-ow tha-at I a-am un-able to use my vo-oice, I idetify with the Ne-egro slaves of yester-year - a sla-ave to my own in-abilit-ty to spe-eak. Go Cowboys."

A valiant display of courage and strength by the coach of the Canadian Cowboys. Preseason action comes to a close Wednesday night, at which time all pre-season stats and updates will be released.