17/16: Canadian Cowboys Take Division 1 Title

After months of back-and-forth divisional play, relegating themselves as a tier-3 team, the Canadian Cowboys have finally secured their once commonplace spot atop the EASHL. As the Division 1 champions, the Cowboys have renewed their faith in one another, and their faith in their abilities as individuals.

With four games remaining in their run for the title and a 4-0-2 record, the Canadian Cowboys were in need of 6 points in their remaining 4 games. "That means we can lose every game except one" said faulty mathematician Illuminati Confirmed (Burlington, ON). But in reality, the Cowboys could only afford 1 regulation loss, or 2 overtime losses. The other games had to be wins.

Game 1 brought with it challenging times, but the Cowboys are no stranger to such drama. "Always with the bus troubles..." said Bean Squeeze, star left-winger and this May's Cowboy Player of the Month. This left Illuminati Confirmed alone up-front with trusty RD Jacques Bonjour (Montreal, QC) manning the point. The boys would go up 1-0 early in the 2nd period but unfortunately the opposition came to quickly tie it up and defeat the duo in overtime, turning their cushion of 1 regulation loss in their final 3 game stretch into an option no longer.

Game 2 saw the replacement of the rookie players with Bean Squeeze and up-and-coming RW I Choose You Squirtle (Hamilton, ON). Another tight matchup between the Cowboys and their opponents. Tied at 2-2, the Cowboys found themselves in overtime once again.

"It was nice to have Squeeze to my left instead of these other scrubs. Seriously Bigcock can't be putting out rookies at a time like this. I can score goals but I'm not a monster. I'm going to shun him for a while and see how he likes that." commented Illuminati Confirmed on their near overtime loss.

Referee Don Stripes calling one of many penalties.

But a loss would not come to be as Squeeze would find the back of the net with his signature short-side goal moments into the overtime period. "Open net, Open Bar, Open Dar." he was seen mouthing to the coach.

With 2 games remaining, the Cowboys impressive record stood tall at 5-0-3; but the road to the final promised to be bumpy, demanding the Cowboys earn 3 of the available 4 points.

Game 3: an uphill battle no doubt, but with expertly laced passes between the forwards and a clutch goal late in the game by New Guy Squirtle, the boys secured an important win heading into the final game of their Division 1 title run with a boisterous record reading 6-0-3.

"It's just a matter of getting the boys all together, firing on all cylinders" said Fake-Bates, dawning the iconic John Bates 24 but wearing his name "Andrews" in mockery above the double dozen. "We got out there and played like a bunch of goats. We spun the wheel, and round and round it went - luckily we got out of the well of goats pretty easily and were able to spin the wheel. It landed on a win for us and that's all that matters."

The 4th and final game was an emotional roller coaster for fans and players alike. The Cowboys went up 2-0 early in the game. Feeling confident, Jacques Bonjour called for a loose puck from the goalie who happily obliged. Unfortunately the pass ended up on the stick of the opposing center and immediately found it's way to the back of the net.

"Je ne sais pas. I just...I never make the call for the pass but the one time I do this. Tabernacle."

Unfortunately, this wasn't the end of the stress for the Cowboys or their stable boys and girls. Moments later in the dying seconds of the 2nd period, the team standing in their way of Division 1 Title glory buried their first true goal of the game. 2-2 heading into the 3rd.

"We just have to keep it tied. That's all we need. Just keep it tied and take it to overtime. We've got the title then. C'mon boys. You don't want to bring this run to an end because of a bunch of goats, do you? I like goats as much as the next guy but come on." urged Bean Squeeze during the 2nd intermission.

Bonjour celebrates a fluke GWG with his team. The bench goes wild.

Those words would come to stir the Cowboys Cauldron and inspire their ultimate victory. With only 2 minutes left in the third period of a 10 game Division 1 title stretch, Jacques Bonjour cleared the puck out of their zone in an attempt to kill time and force overtime. In a shocking turn of events, the puck was on net, causing a rebound to deflect off of the opposing defender's stick and through the legs of their goaltender for what would be the game winning goal.

"I was so happy, I screamed "I SWALLOWED!" said Illuminati Confirmed. "I don't know why that was the thing in my mind but it was. Either way. Viva the Cowboys."

And with that, the Canadian Cowboys would resecure their place atop the EASHL as the Division 1 champions with a 7-0-3 record, undefeated in regulation time, giving them a shot at the Division 1 Cup during the playoffs this season. Best of luck to our boys. This is who we are.

Near Miss Continues Cowboys 7 game Point Streak

The Canadian Cowboys, with all of their rejuvenated fandom, returned to the ice last night to continue re-building the legacy that once was. With all of the recent media attention, the pressure has been mounting with each win.

The Cowboys won all five of their May 10th games and last night would be only slightly different. Chunkai Bumbai (Burlington, ON) and Jacques Bonjour (Montreal, QC) laced up together with three of the rookie Cowboys (John Bates, Polack Olecksy, and Jermaine Andrews) to give them a sip from the chalice of true Canadian Cowboy pressure. With five straight wins on the board, the bus pulled up to the Saddledome and the players took to the ice.

Their opponents put a lot of pressure on them early on, but with Jacques Bonjour's patience and the offensive backchecking of Bumbai, the Cowboys were able to keep the score knotted at 0 for the majority of the first 40.

Their opponents would strike first on a play that left Olecksy on his back - Al Dangler (Regina, SK) pulled the puck expertly around the rookie defenseman, giving himself a 1-on-1 with the Cowboys goaltender who was unable to make the save, relinquishing the tie game.

Down 1-0, the Cowboys put on the pressure for the remainder of the game, but had a lot of trouble finishing.

"I don't know what they want from us out there" proclaimed Bumbai through desperate gasps for breath between periods. "We're makin' all the right plays but we just can't finish. Third period hockey is where we thrive, though. We just have to get the puck on the net and make it happen."

And make it happen they did. With 0:23 remaining in the third, Bonjour fired a slapshot low on net, forcing the opponent's goaltender to let out a rebound which Bumbai wasted no time in burying through the legs of the opposing net minder, knotting the game at 1.

Bumbai gets the puck deep to set up Bonjour at the point.

Unfortunately, despite 47 SOG by the Cowboy offense and 9 blocked shots by Jacques Bonjour, the Cowboys would fall 2-1 in triple overtime.

Returning to the ice for game 2 of the evening were veterans Bean Squeeze and Illuminati Confirmed, who immediately lifted the spirits of their teammates and expertly executed a win with their boys.

"I just...I felt shunned out there" said Andrews after being benched. "I couldn't even hear them talking. It was like I was alone."

Despite the emotional turmoil caused by the veterans' return, the Canadian Cowboys are quickly finding themselves contenders for the Division 1 title. With a current record of 3-0-1, the Cowboys must earn 9 points of the available 12 to secure the title and reclaim their position atop the EASHL.

Five Straight - Cowboys Cross Pivotal Threshold Entering Division 1

Last night was one that rejuvenated Canadian Cowboy love in a way that we've not seen since the days of Michael the Magic and the ensuing crowd of topless female fans that came with him. The Saddledome has been slowly draining financially, and has had trouble filling the seats.

"I don't know man. The passion just...the players don't seem to get any better. It's like they're not...progressing; not.....leveling up in any way and it's just less interesting hockey!" said one 'fan.'

But less interesting hockey may be a thing of the past for the Canadian Cowboys. Finding themselves seven games into a ten game season and needing to cap all three to advance to Division 1, it was time for the 'Boys to dig deep. And dig deep they did. A great majority of the classic roster appeared, including Illuminati Confirmed (Burlington, ON), Bean Squeeze (Burlington, ON), Benyan the Kenyan (Burlington, ON) and Jacques Bonjour (Montreal, QC).

The Cowboys were able to rally together and win all three games to secure a spot in Division 1 for the next ten games. Coming into Division 1, the boys had a next-level hockey experience with their first opponents, "F U SeaWorld."

"It just seemed like a whole other level of hockey, but we were more ready than a bag of burgers" said LW Squeeze.

Seaworld went up 1-0 late in the 2nd period midway through a tight defensive match. Feeling like whales caught in a SeaWorld tank, the boys had to pull it together. After a brilliant game-tying goal by Chevrolet's Player of the Game Bean Squeeze, the dying minutes of the third were anything but.

With seconds remaining, Benyan the Kenyan strung a pass through the crease to Illumanti Confirmed, who confirmed receipt of the pass with a yell. "MINE!" he called out loud enough for the $5 seats to hear.

"It was....surreal. There are no words. Well, except 'surreal.' I guess that describes it pretty well" recalled one fan of the Confirmed yelp.

And with that battle cry, Illuminati Confirmed buried a sure thing to take the Cowboys into the second Division 1 game with a 1-0-0 record.

But it was this game, the second of the Division 1 season, that Canadian Cowboys fans would remember forever. With an incredible performance by each player, the Cowboys were able to defeat their second Division 1 opponents 11-0, with three of those goals coming in the final two minutes of what could only be called "Irregulation" play.

"It...I just.....I can't do it anymore" said one player on the opposing team after their soul crushing defeat. "Eleven goals? Why didn't we just quit. We SHOULD HAVE QUIT, GOD DAMN IT."

With this win in the bag, and a five game winning streak immediately behind them, the Canadian Cowboys elite will take to the ice once again this evening to continue their domination of Division 1, aiming to secure the title and re-brand  themselves as the greatest in the league once again. The boys are back in town.

In other news, three confirmed suicides immediately following the 11-0 win by the Canadian Cowboys. Goaltender Swiss Cheese (Switzerland) was fo
und hanging in the dressing room shower with a note that simply said "I'm sorry." Left Winger Zero Goals (Nigeria, Africa) was found on the floor surrounded by pills in the middle of the dressing room floor. Police say the pills spelled "not today" around his lifeless corpse. The third victim, identity unconfirmed, seems to have been a fan of the losing team. John Doe was found suffocated in a pile of his favourite team's jerseys in his Seattle, Washington home. Police have yet to identify the body but urge residents to come forward with any information they may have.