NHL 16: New Features Announced! (Advertisement brought to you by EA Sports)

Did NHL '15 satisfy your every craving? Did your NHL '14 experience get better with the release of NHL '15? Did you answer no to both of these questions? If so, EA Sports NHL '16 is the game for you. With all new features, NHL '16 promises to be even less impressive than the already disappointing release of yesteryear.

ALL NEW NET PHYSICS

If you are an avid player of the EA Sports NHL franchise, then you've no doubt noticed that the net physics have been subpar in releases passed. We here at EA heard your complaints loud and clear, and have invested millions of dollars and hundreds of man hours to bring your NHL net experience to the next generation consoles. Net staying on the moorings too often? Don't worry, the NHL 16 net physics allows almost seamless removal of the net from its pegs, giving you more time to do absolutely nothing while the referee examines the source of the problem. And with all new "In the Net" mode, you have the opportunity to control the net cam - ALL SEASON LONG - exclusively on XBOX One.***

GM MODE

GM Mode? No thank you!

NEW: ZAMBONI MODE

Arguably the most impressive mode EA brings to its users, NHL 16 allows YOU the user to flood the ice between periods! Tired of making the same old highlight reel dangles? Tired of scoring goals with all your friends? Now you don't have to. Flood the rink between periods and spend the rest of your time having a cigarette behind the rink alone: just TRY and make friends! We dare you. Never before has a franchise combined the technologies utilized in sports world gaming with the technologies used in hit driving simulators such as Need for Speed, Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit, and Need for Speed 4.

ALL NEW BE A FAN MODE

The redundancy of NHL '14 and NHL '15 was communicated to us here at EA Sports and we obliged our fans - and now you can be one! Choose your seat! Pick what food you eat! Stoppage in play? Better head to the restroom with its exclusive Wait in the Bathroom Line minigame! Think you can start a wave? Hammer the A button for 60 minutes and find out. Can't make it to the game? Scalp your tickets outside the arena and go home! Or give them away! We don't care, we already have your money. Tired of playing Be a Fan alone? Well you're in luck. NHL '16 brings with it all of the impressive party-mode gaming features in NHL '15 - time your online-fan-play experience just right and maybe you'll end up at the same game as your friends! Or maybe you won't.

NHL '16: Play it, or don't!


***Unfortunately due to the increased RAM demand that net physics creates, NHL '16 has experienced a dramatic decrease in graphic quality. But we here at EA Sports know that graphic quality is something you, the fans, care less and less about each year. We are a franchise dedicated to high quality gameplay, even if that means at the expense of graphics, money, and/or gameplay. Link to all new NHL '16 graphics image below:

http://img.gamefaqs.net/screens/8/a/f/gfs_34460_2_2.jpg

League Announces Official Start Date; Cowboys Announce Official Coaching Change

Just as quickly as the Canadian Cowboys announced that they would be closing the iconic saloon-shaped doors to the Saddledome has the league announced an official start date to the EASHL's 2015/16 season. Spectators and die-hard fans alike will have the opportunity to watch their Cowboys take to the ice yet again on September 15th, 2015 when regular season play will commence.

"The moment the announcement was made, fans came running to the 'Dome to purchase their season tickets. It was chaos - a true stampede if I ever saw one" confirmed one employee. According to the official record, season tickets for the 2015/16 season sold out in record time: fourteen minutes and thirty one seconds. As has been the ritual from their first season in 2010, Cowboys and Cowgirls will be given their very own cowboy hat as dawned by their team's logo upon arriving to the first game of the season.

"We thought it would be a good PR stunt." explained the new Cowboy coach Mike Bigcock. "You know, kind of like how teams hand out towels to their playoff fans. But instead, the Cowboys are going to be giving their fans something to put on their heads and unite all season long. The playoffs are going to start right out of the gate for the Cowboys." Bigcock continued: "The level of fan excitement that is going to be present in the Saddledome on the 15th is going to be like nothing the players have ever experienced. I think we're going to be bringing our best game to the ice and the fans are going to have a show worth every penny."

Bigcock was asked by many reporters about his coaching strategy with an elite team such as the cowboys. Until now, the questions have gone unanswered but Cowboy reporter Andrew Hendrix was finally able to have their new leader answer a few of the burning questions. Hendrix asked Bigcock what he would do differently from their last coach, Scott Hendry (Burlington, ON).

Bigcock on the bench during an exhibition game with (L-R):
Stinky Mits, Dusty Skater, and Michael the Magic

"I think the main thing with these guys is to let them play their game. It's a game that has won the cowboys countless elite league qualifications and a handful of elite league titles, particularly through the '13 season. So I don't think I'll have to make too many changes to their game."

Hendrix asked about Bigcock's feelings on the front and back end of the Cowboys.

"You know I think we have one of the tightest teams across each line, laterally and vertically. I think it's important that the boys on the back line remember to keep their pokes clean and to make sure they don't commit too hard to the outside. That's something that we've been working on during training and I think we're starting to see the defensive game tighten right up. As for the offense, I think the Cowboys are going to light up the scoreboard all year long. We've got guys like Bumbai and Magic leading the team right out of the gate, and Dusty's ability to win the draws is unparalleled in my opinion. I mean, you've got these guys who are born to score. We've seen them in the N (Bigcock is referring to the farm league for the EASHL, the NHL) - guys like Crosby and Gretzky who are just born with a certain spirit for the game. And I think our scouts have done a phenomenal job getting a group of those guys together over the years. This team keeps getting stronger and I'm just here to guide them to the top where they've been time and again."

Ex-coach of five years Scott Hendry spoke to the media and released a short statement regarding his feelings on the coaching change.

"Oh COME on. Without me, they're done dude."

Regardless of the reality, it would seem that Mike Bigcock promises an even more eccentric offensive presence, and a somehow tighter defensive prowess this year.

Interested readers can hear the remainder of Bigcock's comments here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDumJG4RXt8&feature=youtu.be&sf38668193=1

Viewers can tune in to NBC on September 15th when regular season play will begin in what promises to be the most exciting Cowboys season in history.

EASHL Confirms 2015/16 Cowboy Season: Cowboys Gallop Through Lockout

Eager fans during the EASHL lockout attending an EASHL farm league NHL game.

In a shocking turn of events, the previous contractual mess in which the crowd-favorite Canadian Cowboys found themselves has resolved. The EASHL has confirmed that the lockout experienced by players and fans alike will officially end this fall.

"I just can't believe it" said one adoring fan. "I've missed watching Cowboy hockey so much. I've just been watching vintage Cowboy games on CCTV (subscriptions available to Canadian Cowboy TV through the EASHL website starting at $69.99/year) all season."

Although CCTV brought an incredible revenue for the club during the lockout, it would seem that money is of no concern for the players who are eager to hit the ice with their teammates once again. So what have the Canadian Cowboys been doing during the lockout to keep themselves in shape and prepared for what promises to be a heart-filled, action-packed season? We at realcanadiancowboys.blogspot.com have the answers.

Journalist Andrew Hendrix (Toronto, ON) was able to meet with several of the fan-favorite Canadian Cowboys for exclusive interviews. Hendrix traveled to Burlington, Ontario to meet with Chunkai Bumbai.

Hendrix: So tell me Bumbai; the fans have been so curious about your off-season. Do you think you're ready to lace up with the Cowboys again?

Bumbai: You bet I am. Of course. Salmon. I've been working on my cardio a lot this year; a lot of resistance training. Oh and soup. I ate so much soup. Soup is my Destiny.

Hendrix: Of course. The fans know that your favourite food is soup. But what kind of soup does an all-star right winger such as Chunkai Bumbai prefer?

Bumbai: Well you know. Anything. Any kind of soup. Chicken noodle. Salmon Soup. I like chunky soup. I like soupy soup. Any kind of soup.

Hendrix: [laughs] Hear that kids? Soup seems to be the secret to success. Keep your soup on the ice.

And it is the same soup-like heat that Bumbai plans to bring to the ice during the 2015/16 season.

Hendrix had the pleasure of meeting with the starting center for the Cowboys, Dusty Skater.

Hendrix: Thank you for meeting with me today, Dusty. The fans are really excited to hear what you have to say about the upcom--

Dusty: Did you bring me my Caramel Machiatto? I can't do this interview without my 'BUCKS.

Hendrix: Yes of course. Here you are. So the question we all want to hear answered: what have you done during the off season to prepare yourself for the end of the lockout and the consequent return of the Canadian Cowboys? Do you think the team will be as dynamic and offensively powerful as they were in years past? Or do you think the lack of connection over the lockout will effect them?

Dusty taking one of many face-offs for the Canadian Cowboys.

Dusty: I think we're going to be coming out of the gates firing from every cylinder. I think the boys are really eager to get back out there. And it's not like we haven't been playing in the offseason. We've all been practicing in tournaments and skating most days. Well. I haven't. But that doesn't matter. I don't need to. 

And it would seem that Dusty was not kidding. Upon further investigation, it would seem that the legendary Dusty Skater (Burlington, ON) has taken to the ice less than a dozen times in the off-season. However, one notable appearance by Dusty was a competitive game of 1 on 1 with his starting defenseman Jacques Bonjour (Montreal, QC). We interviewed Bonjour about this and his prep for the upcoming season...

Hendrix: Hello, Bonjour. 

Jacques: Why you say hello two times? I am here. Bonjour, mon ami.

Hendrix:...yes, well the fans are all wondering: how has an all-star defenseman such as yourself managed to stay out of the public eye for the entire duration of the offseason? Many fans are speculating that your training has been so intense as to preclude you from making any public appearances.

Jacques leveling an opponent during the off-season.

Jacques: Yes Mr. Hendrix. Well I will tell to you that I have been doing a lot of practicing on my English words. I have been making to try to make people to know what I am trying to say when I say the words in the language of English, do you know? I think my English has become even more good than some of the other team members on the team that I am on. Je prefere francais, absolutement...mais, j'adore l'anglais aussi. But many of the people who yell at the Cowboy games like to yell in the English so I must know the English to know what they are yell. I also do the gym to make my legs ready for the skating.

It would seem that future interviews with Jacques Bonjour may be more accessible to the English speaking fanbase. From Montreal, Mr. Hendrix took a flight to the other end of the country to speak with the goon-turned-sniper, Stinky Mits.

Hendrix: Thank you so much for having me in your home, Mr. Mits.

Stinky: Ah no problem at all, but call me stiinky.

Hendrix: Of course, stinky. So please tell us what the offseason has held in store for Stinkbreath. It seemed that the end of the 2013/14 season was on the upswing for you offensively. At one time you were considered the fighter of the Cowboys but in the dying light of the previous season you seemed to be a much more valuable offensive presence.

Stinky: Ah yeah, haha, I do like to snipe pretty hard and dangle. I'm not Benyanthekenyan, but I do like to dangle and snipe. WES SHUT UP.

Hendrix: That's a cute dog. Where did you come up with the name Wes?

Stinky: My wifey wanted to name our dog Wes, and Stinkymits doesn't like to argue. Unless I'm on the ice. I'm going to ruin a couple of lives this season. I can't wait to drop the mits.

It would seem that Stinky Mits has done very little off-season preparation and his offensive skills may suffer thusly. However, the Canadian Cowboys have always done well with the aggressive power of Stinky Mits on the wing.

With that, our journalist here at blogspot.com made his way back to Burlington, Ontario to speak with Bonjour's defensive partner Bean Squeeze.

Hendrix: A close personal friend of blogspot, Bean Squeeze; it's always a pleasure having the opportunity to interview you.

Bean: Being interviewed by blogspot is always great. It gets me more excited for the season than a big Christmas ham.

Hendrix: So what have you been doing to prepare for the upcoming EASHL season? Do you think you're ready to hit the ice with the same intensity as year's passed?

Bean: Oh Sally Struthers you bet I am. I know the guys are all really eager to get back out there and that makes me feel Super Slammy. Go Hawks, though. 

Surrounded by bottles of wine and gin, Bean seemed more ready than ever to skate.

Finally, Mr. Hendrix journeyed to the desolate wastelands of Georgetown, Ontario to meet with the fan-favorite, lover-boy, dazzling smile, lady-charming Captain of your Canadian Cowboys, Michael the Magic. And in one word, that's exactly what this interview was. Magic.

Michael: Hey man! Thanks so much for meeting with me [teeth gleaming in the fluorescent light of camera 2].

Hendrix: This is truly a pleasure to be in the company of such a legendary EASHL player. You truly are a legend. I'm a huge fan, myself. I've watched you carry the Cowboys on those...broad shoulders...time and again. And there I am in my living room, night after night with my beer and my bottle of jergens, cheering - no, screaming - louder than the night before. I think it's really amazing, the team you've brought together here.

Michael the Magic celebrating after his 1000th career goal.

Michael: oh wow thanks! Yeah it's a really good group of guys th--

Hendrix: And the way you carry the puck into the zone. To be that puck..

Michael: ...Yeah for sure. Well I think we're going to be stronger than ever this year. Some people say that the time off might effect the boys adversely but I think just the opposite. I think that the time off has really allowed us to freshen up our skills, and sharpen our skates to a perfect point. Our opponents should watch out for the Cowboys this year. Because we're going to be coming. Hard.

Hendrix: Say that again.

[content unavailable].

So there you have it. The Canadian Cowboys are back. The iconic logo has been rehung on every Canadian street and in the windows of many fans' bedrooms. And with the return of the logo comes the return of your favorite EASHL team. Regular season play is scheduled to commence on September 9th, 2015 according to the rules stipulating the contractual agreement between the EASHLPA and the league. Welcome back boys. This is who we are.